London transport stories...
By egcellentTramp at 2013-08-12 18:59:42
London, UK
74 replies
11310 views
So I had some cake - it was nice - vanilla sponge together with buttercream and icing.
I didnt die, I didnt awaken up in a tub of ice with no kidneys, I didnt leap from a rooftop shouting am a golden-haired god I just had some nice cake - yet a lot of folks freak out when I tell them that story.
you SPOKE to somebody else on public transport? i'm pretty sure they cancel your oyster card for that offence.
Maybe that was why.
When I was a young man, I had a job that required me to wear a suit and tie (incidental, but scene-setting... I look all smart 'n' stuff). I got my tube home from Tottenham Court Road each evening, and as I'm walking down the steps onto the platform - with the train waiting - I hear the buzz as the doors start to close. I sprint forward, fling myself at the door and manage - I'm not quite definite how - to end up on my backside on the platform with my leg jammed in the closing door. I lie there for a few seconds. The door opens. I get on my feet, walk into the carriage, and look up.
Everyone. Everyone is staring at me. 300 people, packed carriage, plus - to a man and woman - they've all caught this ad hoc piece of sub Cirque du Soleil. And then somebody starts clapping, and the whole carriage goes off in a round of more or less good-natured laughter with applause. What can you do except bow, as elegantly and genially as possible? Still smirk when I think about it.
So I had some cake - it was nice - vanilla sponge together with buttercream and icing.
I didnt die, I didnt awaken up in a tub of ice with no kidneys, I didnt leap from a rooftop shouting am a golden-haired god I just had some nice cake - yet a lot of folks freak out when I tell them that story.
The awkward moment giggling to myself and then eye contact with the human being opposite for the reason that I was reading one of the dating adverts on the tube, and I came across person below could be your perfect partner or something similar, turns out they was not my perfect partner..
The night prior to I moved to Australia for 6months I went to see this cool producer/band called Shpongle at the Roundhouse in Camden. I got hammered and grabbed Dominoes pizza on the way home with a few of my pals and more it was Halloween so loads of people were weird dressed up.
I took this heavy pizza onto a near full northern line train where 90% of people were in fantasy dressed and drunkenly proclaimed that I would give a slice to 'whoever can make me laugh!'
Cue terrible joke following terrible joke, gurning and very bad breakdance attempts from various people dressed ridiculously.
I was going into work about 6 months ago, I hit the Hammersmith and City from Hammersmith. Rush hour, everyday press towards to doors of the train. I go in and unbelievably see an unfilled seat. I grab it, regardless of being a young man with no disabilities or mid-term pregnancy needs.
On sitting, I smell the recognizable pungent wisp of tobacco smoke, and sure enough, the gentleman next to me is smoking a fag. plus drinking a can of stella. And judging by the smell of it, simultaenously pissing his pants.
Without a word I stand and trundle down the carriage. No one says a word actually. apart from this gentleman.
A DIRTY SLUT! He shouts. A DIRTY SLUT Incidentally, but not unsurprisingly perhaps, this is delivered in a thick scottish brogue.
A DIRTY SLUT He continues. A DIRTY SLUT He's only on until Shepherd's Bush, except he realises suddenly he wasn't receiving the reaction he craved. Before disembarking, he turned it up.
A DIRTY SLUT AND I LOVE THE BIG FAT STINKING COCKS! exited the train with no looking back. Godspeed, Trampy Mcdougall, and Good Luck.
typical packed train, over-packed really, so most folk just stayed on the platform instead of trying to get on, as there is another train in a minute.
Except one guy. Much to the shock and despair of everybody on the train he flings himself in the open doors into the carriage. This train is absolutely full, but he immediately starts wiggling and spreading himself on the passengers. People tell him off, tell him to get off, he doesn't care. at that moment the doors close on his head. every person in the train and on the platform have a big old laugh. Train leaves, with foolish guy inside, rubbing his head.
Not a fantastic one, but I saw some righteousness porn on the Central line at Oxford Circus once. Rush hour, a coach pulls in, everybody crowds on until it's plainly jam packed. Some guy decides to power his way on immediately as the doors shut.
A few seconds pass, then the doors re-open for whatsoever reason. A unexplained hand appears from within the carriage, into the barger's face, then pushes him off the train, back onto the platform.
